Today, as I write this, it is April 6th. There is very little that is special about the day, it’s cloudy and cold and apparently mother nature is trying to blow down my house. I got up, got dressed, took my son to daycare and drove into work. I had to be there to conduct an interview but the candidate was a no show. My sister sent me a text, asking if I was ok, the only indication that today was not like every other day.
You see, today is not just another ordinary day for me. Today is April 6th, a day that will always be marked with sadness and an empty feeling inside a reminder that a part of me is missing. On April 6th 2006 my mom died suddenly from breast cancer that had gone undetected. It was shocking and brutal, I felt as though my tether had been cut and I was drifting aimlessly.
I was filled with anger; not at what I had lost, but for what had been taken from me. I’m still filled with anger that I haven’t dealt with, that I need to deal with to find some peace. But the wound is still so raw and hurtful. My mom was my biggest champion, my loudest supporter. I wrote this post several months ago, and it speaks so clearly to all that I feel every day. Please read it.
I know I am not the only daughter to lose a mother, the only person to lose a close family member. That doesn’t make it hurt any less. It just makes me a member of a very large club I don’t want to belong to. Today I tried to look at the day, and appreciate the things my mom would have enjoyed. She loved listening to the rain or watching a storm pass through. Today it is stormy outside, a perfect reflection of the way my heart is aching.
I’m not sure when I’ll post this, or even if I will. I think I should, for my sister at least, so that she knows she is not alone and that I feel the same hurts that she does. I love you mom and I love you Katy.