Just Another Ordinary Day

Today, as I write this, it is April 6th.  There is very little that is special about the day, it’s cloudy and cold and apparently mother nature is trying to blow down my house.  I got up, got dressed, took my son to daycare and drove into work.  I had to be there to conduct an interview but the candidate was a no show.  My sister sent me a text, asking if I was ok, the only indication that today was not like every other day. 

You see, today is not just another ordinary day for me.  Today is April 6th, a day that will always be marked with sadness and an empty feeling inside a reminder that a part of me is missing.  On April 6th 2006 my mom died suddenly from breast cancer that had gone undetected.  It was shocking and brutal, I felt as though my tether had been cut and I was drifting aimlessly.

I was filled with anger; not at what I had lost, but for what had been taken from me.  I’m still filled with anger that I haven’t dealt with, that I need to deal with to find some peace.  But the wound is still so raw and hurtful.  My mom was my biggest champion, my loudest supporter.  I wrote this post several months ago, and it speaks so clearly to all that I feel every day.  Please read it.

I know I am not the only daughter to lose a mother, the only person to lose a close family member.  That doesn’t make it hurt any less.  It just makes me a member of a very large club I don’t want to belong to.  Today I tried to look at the day, and appreciate the things my mom would have enjoyed.  She loved listening to the rain or watching a storm pass through.  Today it is stormy outside, a perfect reflection of the way my heart is aching.

I’m not sure when I’ll post this, or even if I will.  I think I should, for my sister at least, so that she knows she is not alone and that I feel the same hurts that she does.  I love you mom and I love you Katy.

If My Mom Were Here She Would...

There are times that I forget my mom has passed away.  I find myself thinking at least once a day, "oh I should tell mom." It's that instant where habit and routine from the past overcome the current reality.  I often  say to myself, "If mom were here she would..."  So, as I've got this list rumbling around in my mind and it is keeping me awake, I thought I would type it out and hopefully find some peace, for a little while.

If my mom were here she would read this post, and all the others before it.  She would comment on every little thing, and pass it along to all her coworkers and friends.  While I was growing up the one thing I could always count on was that my mom would be proud of me.  She took every little and big success I had and made it special, made it worth celebrating.

If my mom were here she would laugh at my jokes.  We shared the same acerbic sense of humor, though I like to think it was more witty and sarcastic than mean spirited or negative.  I think I'm funny and witty, and sometimes other people do too.  But I could make my mom laugh with just one look.

If my mom were here she would be able to read my mind, and know I needed a hug.  Shortly after Justin and I got married, my mom moved in with us.  Surprisingly, it worked very well.  During the years that we all cohabitated, my mom and I grew much closer and could always tell when the other was feeling down and needed a little pick me up.  If I were sick, she'd make sure I had chicken noodle soup and a cool washcloth without even having to ask.

If my mom were here she would be so in love with her grandson, Tysen. This is the one that I spend the most time thinking about.  I know she would have loved him and cherished him with all her might. I know she would have doted on him, spoiled him and delighted in all his childhood joy.  But she missed out on that, Tysen is going to miss out on that, I am missing out on that.   There are so many parts of Tysen's childhood I wish I could share with my mom, so many things I wish we could have compared.  One night when Tysen was still small, maybe 6 months old, I sat watching him sleep and realized that there wasn't anything else I would rather do, no where else I wanted to be.  I bet my mom had moments like that all the time watching me grow up.  I wish we could have talked about it.  I'm grateful for her being my mom, but I'm sad she'll never know the amazing person Justin and I have been blessed with..

Growing up, I had a fantastic relationship with my mom, and as I became an adult we became good friends.  I don't think I ever fully appreciated the sacrifices she made and all the love she gave to me.  I don't know that anyone can truly understand how much their parents love them until becoming parents.  My mom was a single mom, and things were hard financially and I have always understood how much it hurt her not to be able to give me the world.  I wish I could tell her now that I'm sorry for not showing my appreciation for how hard she worked to give my sister and me the things she did.  I wish I could tell her that the love she gave us was enough, it was always enough, even if I didn't say that as often as I should have.