21 hours ago
Monday, May 24, 2010
I'm not really proud of myself lately. It takes a lot to admit, but I've become that mom I always swore I wouldn't be. It seems these days that I just don't have any patience when it comes to Tysen and his misbehaving. A dear, kind friend told me that it was likely due to the stress of moving. She's probably right; but I still feel like a crappy parent.
Yesterday I found myself yelling, actually full of anger directed at my dear sweet boy. The behavior wasn't any different than one he might have had a month or so ago. But twice Sunday I was ashamed to realize that I had lost it and had stopped being the rational, controlled mom I used to be.
It's not just Tysen that seems to push me from calm to crazy in a matter of seconds, but I notice it most when it's directed at a two year old. He still loves me, still gives me hugs and kisses. But I feel like a horrible parent when I look into his beautiful blue eyes that hold only love and affection.
I have to find a balance between crazy stressed out psycho and the happy zen I long to be. It's obvious I won't be returning to the land of unicorns and cotton candy for a while. Hopefully I can survive this place for now, without doing too much damage to Tysen. I hate that I'm so freaked out all the time and I can't just let it go. I want to let it go, but obviously it's not happening.
I need to take some deep breaths and go meditate or something.