Monday, May 24, 2010

Who is that crazy lady in the mirror?

I'm not really proud of myself lately. It takes a lot to admit, but I've become that mom I always swore I wouldn't be. It seems these days that I just don't have any patience when it comes to Tysen and his misbehaving. A dear, kind friend told me that it was likely due to the stress of moving. She's probably right; but I still feel like a crappy parent.

Yesterday I found myself yelling, actually full of anger directed at my dear sweet boy. The behavior wasn't any different than one he might have had a month or so ago. But twice Sunday I was ashamed to realize that I had lost it and had stopped being the rational, controlled mom I used to be.

It's not just Tysen that seems to push me from calm to crazy in a matter of seconds, but I notice it most when it's directed at a two year old. He still loves me, still gives me hugs and kisses. But I feel like a horrible parent when I look into his beautiful blue eyes that hold only love and affection.

I have to find a balance between crazy stressed out psycho and the happy zen I long to be. It's obvious I won't be returning to the land of unicorns and cotton candy for a while. Hopefully I can survive this place for now, without doing too much damage to Tysen. I hate that I'm so freaked out all the time and I can't just let it go. I want to let it go, but obviously it's not happening.

I need to take some deep breaths and go meditate or something.

5 Awesome Comments:

BigSis said...

I know exactly how you feel. There have been some really stressful moments for my son and I over the years. Thankfully, we've had wonderful doctors, teachers, and various support folks who have helped my son with his behavior and helped me from completely losing it.

The good news is that the older my son has gotten, the better the issues seem to be - far from perfect, but a lot better.

Keep your chin up and don't forget to take care of you. Everyone has some bad mommy moments - it's what makes us human.

blue_05shopping said...

Steph as I said and you know this, you not a bad Mommy it happens to all of us. Its very trying when our kids will not listen to us and we are under huge amounts of stress. Tysen loves you and he won't hate you for yelling at him from time to time.

Your a wonderful Mommy and never forget that. You will make it through this stressful time in your life and be better for it. It's huge you are moving across the country leaving your friends, home and jobs I couldn't even imagine doing that! (((HUGS))) YOU ROCK!!!!

Jenglamgirl said...

Sorry Steph~

Moving probably has alot to do with it. Life in general and the stresses that come with it. YOU are a good mom, and you are not alone. Unfortunantly the yelling doesn't stop... it may get worse... I have "3".. being a mom and a parent is alot of work, and kids have alot to learn and its hard for them too. Try to go into another room shut the door and count to ten... take a deep breath and try agian. You are fine, don't feel bad. GOOD LUCK WITH IT ALL.. AND THE MOVE. Jenn

Katy said...

My dear sister. If I could only be half the mother to your 11 year old niece that you are to my wonderful 2 year old nephew, I would not be as stressed out as I am. I find myself doing similar things with Ellie, and end up hating myself and my behavior afterwards. You are under a lot of stress with moving and all the uncertainties that you have with that, as well as having a 2 year old that is beginning to understand just how things work with you. With all that said, you are a control freak like I am, by the way we come by that naturally. Just know that Tysen does love you and soon you will be closer to being the zen mother you have let stress push out of the way. I love you and everything will be okay, just get through one crisis at a time. Remember to breath.

Julie from Momspective said...

Shit. I freaked out on Ryan last night about this and went to a miserable haze of tears saying I'm never going to be able to handle all summer with them both if I work from home so we put them in summer school.

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